Thursday, April 28, 2005

Walking Cliche

I am a walking cliche. I got my hair cut this morning at Zsidro on Andrassy ut. But it must be done. You have to cut your hair when you get free of a bad man. It's not as short as my 2003 Frodo the Hobbit hairdo, but definitely a lot shorter. Less flouncy/curvilinear, more jaggedy/Joan Jett. Maybe my new hair cut will allow me to tap into her punk rockedness. My Uncle Tom who lives in Birmingham, Alabama, despite his political conservatism, has always had an affinity for Joan Jett for as long as I can remember. Once I asked him why he liked her so much, and he replied, "I'm not sure. I just think she looks like she might break off the end of a beer bottle, and come at ya with it."

I was walking down Andrassy, and I started crying for the first time during this whole business. I don't know why I haven't cried before. Maybe it's been an adrenalin thing. I knew my survival was at stake or something. But now that I am safe, everything came pouring out. I was thinking of what Jamie would think. He would be so sad and so disappointed in who I chose to spend these last few years of my life with. How could I go from the gentlest, sweetest boy in the world to an irrational, violent monster? Badly done. How will I be able to trust my own judgment in the future? Maybe I have answered my own question though: maybe I should just think of what Jamie would think.

I did get most of my belongings back. I am very happy about this. It felt like a Christmas windfall, because I really thought everything was gone forever. There was absolutely no chance of me contacting him in an attempt to get my stuff back. (I will never speak with him again.) Some things are missing, some drawings are torn, but I got back: my computer, my Dutch pencil set, my photograph of Whitman (my cat who died about a year ago), my grandmother's evening clutch she got in India in the 50's, my silk dress from Liberty that I bought with Shani, my Miller Harris perfume, most of my books, and most of my clothes. Before I left for London, I had bought him some daffodils from my gypsy friend on Szent Istvan korut and a Francia kremes as a peace offering. At that point, I still had hopes for some sort of amicable resolution. He put the rotted daffodils and the Francia kremes in my suitcase. My mom said it was "a nice touch." I wonder if he was trying to tell me something?

Last night I made dinner for Zsolti to thank him for being so kind and helpful to me throughout this. I made penne with green peppercorns, zucchini, and fresh mint. It's a nice thing to eat for the spring.

I was at the big market yesterday, and nearly every fruit/vegetable vendor had beautiful feher sparga, or white asparagus. I bought a kilo, and I have some idea of how I'm going to prepare it, but if anyone has any white asparagus recipes, I would really appreciate your sharing them with me. I'm going to have to cook a lot more than I have in the past in order to save money, and I am definitely going to have to curb my Cafe Kor habit.

I am off to buy a coffee maker and some bed linens.


At 2:37 PM, Blogger Indeterminacy said...

It sounds like a happy end and a new beginning. I'm very glad for you.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger svm said...

i have recently had my hair cut, too. of course, i was not getting free of a bad man, or any man for that matter. i didn't let joseph chop it all off but it's different. i like it but i'm still getting used to it. let's trade pictures.

you know it's convenient that jamie and jesus start with the same letter. now you can get one of those WWJD bracelets and whenever you end up in an uncertain situation, you can comtemplate your jewellery and think 'what would jamie do?' do you still have your wwjjd t-shirt? and have you heard about the gal who conceived the wtfwjd tees?

knowing how much you LOVE books, i am having a hard time imagining most of your books fitting in the typically tiny audra-style suitcase. have you just been really restrained about adding to your library this past year?

your pastas sound tasty. you are much more committed to home cooking than i am. i thought giving up eating out over lent might park me in the kitchen more but it didn't. i still only cook about once or twice a week and it's rarely all that adventurous... still, this is more cooking than either of my flatmates do. my current addiction to figo doesn't help!

i am throwing a dinner party this saturday for some of the scotties so i can tell them my big news: i have quit my job & am moving out at the end of may.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger Vándorló said...

The main page at is all asparagus recipes - the full list is at spargas finomsagok.

I'm going to have to get some myself now - that's made me really hungry.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Ashbloem said...

Excellent new beginnings. Life can start fresh. So exciting. But, of course, do not begrudge yourself that cry.

I, too, got new hair after leaving my Mr. Noncommittal. My natural blonde went chocolate brown. I felt bad-ass. It's helped, even if it is a cliche.

At 3:07 AM, Blogger RichardKS said...

ah, the behold the power of the haircut. I wonder quite why it is so potent?

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Indeterminacy said...

I wonder if this only works for women, and if so, why? Is it because there is so much sexuality/erotic connected with the hair, and therefore changing it so the former partner will feel that what he knew is lost forever?

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Irma Vep said...

Ah! A cornucopia of comments!! I LOVE comments. Thank you all. I wish internet access wasn't so hard to come by for me these days.

Indeterminacy: Thank you, and thank you again for using another one of my pics. Of course I love the story, of course you are a genius, of course it took my mind off things.

SVM: God I miss you. I haven't seen you in ages. I am so surprised about you having your hair cut! Can you describe or do I have to wait to see it in person? (which I will REALLY REALLY try to do while I am in the States between Bp and Paris).

I DO always think: "What would Jamie do?" Yes, I still have my "What would Joan Jett do?" t-shirt, but it is in storage in the States. But I can still tap into her dirty deeds.

I think you know me too well. Yes, I have been somewhat restrained in my book-buying, but I actually have a huge non-Audra style suitcase here with me that I used only for my initial move to Bp last June. This is what he tossed everything into. But also he did not include many of my books.

OH MY BUDDHA!!!!!! I just read the BIG NEWS now! THAT IS SO GREAT! Great because I know it's something you've wanted to do for a while. Do I get to find out where you are going? Are you leaving ATL in May? Please spill the lentils!!!!! I am DYING to know. Do you want to come visit? You know that you are welcome, right?

Vandorlo: Did you buy the feher sparga? What did you make? Thanks for the link. I just had a great feher sparga leves at Cafe Bouchon last night.

Ashbloem: It DOES help! I have that bad-ass feeling too! Well-put. I hope you have someone better in your life now or that you have managed to sustain the bad-assedness.

Hellman: Hey you. I don't know why. I think how our hair looks affects us more than we would like to admit though. We do identify ourselves with our hair more than we do with our,...say,..elbows,..or spleens.

Indeterminacy: I think it probably applies more often to women than men, but I can think the haircut can be symbolic of a starting fresh for both genders.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Indeterminacy said...

Audra! What did you do? My brain is blushing!

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Vándorló said...

I kept it really simple and made some home made pasta. I have to thank you for finally giving me an excuse to make my own pasta after almost a year of relying on the bought stuff.

At first I thought I would make strozzapretti ('priest stranglers') - probably inspired by what you'd been through, but I opted for an Emilia-Romagna favourite Caplett ('little hats'). These I stuffed with pumpkin and rosemary.

I cooked the asparagus in the best butter I could find and served it with the little hats - and it was lovely.

So I'm now back to making pasta, trying out some new ones and scouring the internet for ideas for fillings and sauces.

If I hadn't made the pasta I would have just served them with hollandaise.

Thanks again for getting me off the supermarket pasta treadmill. It's therapeutic, too. Kneading pasta is just as good as punching out a loaf.

I just have to say that hands are, of course, the best part of the body - without a mirror, what other part of your body do you look at most? (you don't have to answer that).

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